I Choose to Worship and Not to Worry

I’ve always been a firm believer in that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” and that the Lord will never give me more than I can handle. I can humbly stand before you today and truthfully say that these two verses have been put to the test in my life. And that while I am trying my best to embrace them I am struggling and am battling with my emotions.

Nearly two months ago my husband and I found out we are expecting our fourth baby next spring. We are thrilled and while adding another child into the family can cause a little more stress physically, emotionally and financially, we are so incredibly blessed to be able to welcome another miracle to the world.

I had my first OB appointment on September 19th 2011, ironic being that the 19th of September is Trinity’s birthday. She and Nevaeh were able to come to my appointment and watch our new little peanut on the ultrasound screen, it was very special. During my physical exam my doctor discovered a small lump on my right breast. We both assumed it was the result of a clogged milk duct, being that I had recently stopped nursing Selah. To be on the safe side she ordered an ultrasound and full lab work up.

A couple weeks later I went in for my lab work. Selah was sick so I conveniently made her appointment the same day. Bad news came from that doctor visit. They are treating her for and keeping an eye on her possibly having asthma, which runs in our family. Not the most exciting news to get for the day. Then it was time to head over for my breast care ultrasound.

The ultrasound tech was super sweet, she got all the pictures she needed and explained it may take about 30 minutes for the doctor to go over the pictures and come in to talk to me. She left the room and not even 5 minutes later came back in with the doctor. He looked a little frazzled and was trying to choose his words carefully and went on to explain that it was not a clogged milk duct but was a tumor about the size of a small egg. My face must have lost all color because he immediately followed his first statement with, “I can’t say that it is cancer but I can’t say that it isn’t.” I asked what needed to be done and he immediately said a biopsy is the best route but there are risks involved with me being pregnant so he would need my OB to approve the surgery. He said my other option was to wait three months to have another ultrasound so that we can track the growth.

I left the office feeling scared and unsure. What was going to happen? I called my husband and my mother to tell them what was going on and had a mini emotional breakdown in the Kaiser parking lot. I listened to my husband’s CD the whole way home and had “Where Would I Be?” on repeat. I sang and sobbed the words,
You are all my life,
You have made me complete.
Here I stand Lord an offering,
A living sacrifice burning for you.

I got the questions out of my system, why me Lord? What did I do to deserve this? Lord please make this tumor benign or even disappear. I got home to my girls, had some “quiet” time and surrendered, to the best of my abilities, my fears. I prayed that regardless, cancer or not, God would get the glory in the way this situation played out.

My amazing family got together to pray for me. My incredible husband poured out his soul, reassuring me that he is by my side through thick or thin and that we are in this together. And it is the love and support I have since received from the wonderful people in my life that is helping me get through this more than they could ever know. “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” I believe with all my heart He is giving strength through others.

In an effort not to draw attention to myself or start any type of scare, we have kept this on the more private side of things. Mostly because of my own fears of how people will respond. But my husband made me realize that the more people I have praying for me the better and I’d have to say I agree.

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning to make a “game plan” with my OB. It is there we will discuss scheduling a biopsy and my options for surgery. We believe in the power of prayer. We are praying that…
#1 God places a hedge of protection over the baby growing in my belly
#2 That we are able to schedule a biopsy as soon as possible
#3 That the results are benign
#4 That if surgery is necessary it be scheduled promptly
#5 He fills me with His strength because I can’t do this on my own.

Thank you for your love, your support and most of all your prayers. I am trying everyday to not let this get me down and to see the blessing that can come out of this situation. God works in mysterious ways and we don’t always understand why. I choose to trust in Him, to worship and not worry.